Pocket full of sunshine

It is often said that your past makes you a person you are in your present. Past indeed has an inevitable impression on your present.

An year ago while preparing for thee most important school examination of any school grader my mind was somewhere taking a roller coaster ride, juggling between the myriad of emotions brewing in me for a no of months and our dearest syllabus which kept staring at me wide eyed compelling me to complete it.

On my birthday, which was a much awaited day, i cried. I had waited for another chance to accept something i wanted to but i could not discern my heart question my mind , Stubborn a stone, i was.
Later the same saturday i broke my phone off out of frustration. A week later i broke off my television remote.

"My heart says a 100, my mind also says a 100.
 Her heart says a 100 but her mind gives a duck. "

That time of my survival was indeed the most crucial and most introspective and a trailer of what was to happen later . That breaking off was not a physical frustration but and emotional failure.

I had been escaping my own self by keeping myself "Busy". However, that being busy took its toll on me as much as it could in the coming months of preparation. I was there. I swotted. I struggled but it never paid off.

*realises*

How could it! I was there but i WAS NOT there.

And what followed after was realization and another realization and another life-changing realization.

I did not respect time . How could it revere me !

But those months gave me something for life, :)

MYSELF.

*smiles*

A pocket full of sunshine it was ; to be able to be so palpable; to discover and create myself further; to know there is  a river capable of shaping each stone.

*smiles*

My past pulled out the beautiful present i feel blessed to experience today , indeed through many suicidal and relinquishing and holding on jiffies.

Past has passed, present is mine.
And always the future shall shine.

Choose everyday to feel. Choose everyday to wake up, Choose everyday to let off the barrier you build. Choose to let someone in. Choose to accept. Choose to smile and cry altogether, to trust, to let betrayed, to climb and to change for better.

Choose to die and break down and to wake up everyday and realising there's nothing better to let it going on for another day because there is someone just coveting to have you smiling. Be it your parents (my god) , your sibling ( my idol) or someone you have kept a secret place for (my love) . :)


And your choices will create a whole new canvas you had been anticipating to paint.



*choosing*

Showtime

*Blank*

They say that good things take time...
But really do great things happen in the blink of an eye... :)

When i introspect myself today there is something brewing. Maybe anger, regrets, loss, pain, will but bliss..

Its loss i can never repay for; Hurt giving me something to hold on; Regrets which need to be forgiven; Pain making me feel alive.....

Me at my best as i put it.

Oh, I am really messed up.

*smiles*

But despite of  these perplexing state i am happy. Happiness is a state as they say.

Life holds magic for those who dare to believe in it.

Believe that what is happening is the best it could ever be. Believe there is a time when all your dreams will come true. Believe miracles happen because THEY DO.

Just when i was inches away of relinquishing. Just before my will to survive had almost died. Just thee time i took to holding on for another day god sent me someone. Someone i wanted. Someone i secretly prayed for. Someone i looked after in those seemingly months of  jeopardisation.

In times of trials and tribulations which indeed are an inseparable slice of our lives god often does send angels to make thee smile. And here i bow down in gratituade for the angel who was sent to me .

"Hasna hai, rona hai, bigadna hai, sambhalna hai, girna hai aur girke fir uthna hai.... bus nahi rukna hai . Kyunki the show must GO ON."

And my endeavours are at their best to put up a great show.

*Showtime*

*bullary*

Faith

Sometimes we juggle things around with each being more important than the other one. Then you commit mistakes. Mistakes that cannot be forgiven . Mistakes that should not be forgiven and things you never expected could happen. Life is funny.

Realization hit me how dear someone was to me when that person started leaving. It was this void. This great void that had started accumulating inside. For the first time i knew what i wanted. It was that person . To be with that person. To be able to live with that person. That was what wanted by me.
But time slipped away. Things started messing up and went crazy after. I do not know what this is about. I dont know how this happened.

Things will be fine if i want them to. God is there. Things will all fall into place one day and that day will arrive soon.

There is someone above us. We have to have faith for it. Faith alone will get me by,
Faith will make us survive. Prayers will be heard, God is with us.

Even in the toughest of times faith is what keeps us going. Hope for the best. Look above the rest. Hold yourself there and things will fall into place.

There is a time when all our wishes will come true. There is a time when i will get what i deserve and i deserve the best because i will strive to be the best each day. When you need to sometimes push yourself a bit because the greatest difficulty is to be able to begin.

Have faith. Say a little prayer . And work your best for your best and sooner or later you will have that "BEST".


*praying*

HOPE

Its Life.

I always have wanted to experience each color of it.
Smile in pain , appreciate other's disdain.

But today it feels like m all empty.
There's this BIG void that might never get filled up again.
Its like a part of me is missing. Being always the bright and shy one altogether it always kept me away and when finally i did have that moment after mustering enough of strength..it just faded away into nothingness....
and with that went this part of me that will never be the usual one again.

I dont know what it was or it is. I am unsure of what it might do to me. Neither am i aware of  what i feel.
I dont wan to feel anything. Or think anything. Want this time to pass......

This time will pass. But i will still feel the way i do.

Its like euphoria and pain altogether. It's bliss.

*smiles*

But i know it is something worth suffering for. Worth bearing. Worth wanting and worth living for.
I know this.

"After dusk comes the dawn,
Said the one dressed in fawn..."

Thank you god for making me suffer. For making me feel alive. For giving me something worth crying for. For making me smile and weep together. Thank you..

What also you have shown me is that despite of all this there's always hope.

*ecstatic*

HURT.

I knew you were trouble.

Thats what i can think of now. I never was oblivion of this but i never in my wildest dream had wondered you could hurt me...

That too , to this extent.

"soul so beautiful, heart so pious..
Perhaps a dream much desired..."


This often happens to us. Each one of us. We TRUST people and then they just do not understand the value of it. They lie. Each time. But you imprudently want to believe in all of them. They talk about you behind your back(definitely, not in a good way) and you still yearn to talk to them.

Later, it dawned on me that the things i have always discerned to were all actually true. Each one of them. All my fears actually came out to be true. :)

People will always be like that. You certainly WILL get HURT . You won't find people to smother you with affection. You will be left along by your near ones. But it is you who gotta choose to the creatures for whom it is worth suffering for.

Say thank you to god for letting you suffer. Because these are the moments that make you  understand the shitt called happiness. :)

Always adhere to your self.

*teary blessing*

When I was five I wanted to be an actress. I'd watch these fancy movies and would want to act in one. Long hair, pretty face, fine clothes and shoes.

When I reached ten I wanted to be an astronaut. That spaceship of mine i'd imagine myself of on as leader of some mission feeling extremely proud.

Then came my thirTEEN and first time I felt for people . A whole bunch of emotions were thrusted upon me .. something I was oblivion of  and I wanted to be nothing. Yeah how cool is to be nothing :P

An year later getting a hold upon some parts of my life I craved to be a science person.  Geeky freaking science person.

And today after surviving there 17 years of my life I want to be HAPPY.

Yeah I know we all want to be. :)

Happiness has different meanings for different people and i would emphasize on the fact different connotations at different phases of one's survival . All of us keep an eye for it but how often do we realize it is with us? It is something within us.

God has always been fair. He has given us all a soul to be looked after. A heart to love. A mind to think. A gut to feel. And a LIFE to live. And that's what comprises the compound called HAPPINESS. And these elements mixed in wright proportion can be turned into BLISS.

Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOO but let go...

Words escape me as i try here to pen down my feelings.

Its this time of our lives that we'll never be able to forget . I guess i don't want to too.

It's like standing on a crossroad, choosing what you want to and what must be served. You feel so affectionate but you cannot permit your own self to discern what you want to.
I'm sure you all must have experienced somewhere deep down this perplexing emotion. I wonder if we've a word for this.

Probably, i know what it is. Its our dearest LOVE.

Yes, I am in love and i guess I've always been in .

*smiles*

But its not the ROMEO n JULIET love. Its the love for petty things, colors of life and yes, for some homo sapiens :P This love has time and again helped me in unraveling elements i never even knew existed. This love has made me smile in pain, appreciate other's disdain, contentment, and sensations that cannot be explained.

Above all it has given me such wonderful souls. So much so that i don't want to relinquish now and hold them on forever. And i guess we all want to.

But lately this love has given me all the strength to  LET GO. Because holding something for ever is like cutting someone's wings, not letting one find its own glory. And i want my souls to fly very HIGH. We'll want to live.

Letting one go doesn't connote cutting all connections but this art of losing gives us all the fidelity to acquire something again and who knows that something might be the same lost thing ;)

What more this phase of emotional turbulence has taught me that NOTHING lasts for ever. Maybe we've phases of our forever. And a phase of forever will have to last to let the next forever commence.  :)

So LOSE something everyday. LET someone go today. And stay close to this love. Because we all are artists indeed.  

And its not emotional turbulence, its emotional bliss.


*LettingGo*